Relationship communication is more than just a buzzword. This is the basis of a sustainable partnership. But the statistics are grim. Sixty percent of marriages end in divorce. A significant reason? Couples take too long to ask for help. They ignore the cracks in the foundation until the structure collapsed. When they finally look back, the regret is palpable. Many people who have gone through a divorce wish they had sought counseling sooner. Most people who have tried it say it works.
The problem is not a lack of love. It’s a lack of skill.
“Most people realize that breaking up with your partner doesn’t solve the problem because half the problem is you,” says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Make Up, Don’t Break Up. The truth is uncomfortable. You can get out of marriage, but you can’t get out of yourself. No matter how hard you try.
The Body Keeps the Score
One of the biggest obstacles between couples is stopping the blame game. It’s a power struggle that drains energy and destroys intimacy. Relationship counseling offers a safe container. A place to express your needs. To voice fears. To resolve anger before it curdles into resentment.
“More and more relationships are falling apart because people don’t know how to validate each other,” Dr. Weil noted. But validation is a skill. It can be learned.
Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. took a different tack. They just don’t talk. They look at the whole body. Their approach, detailed in “The Conscious Heart” and “Conscious Loving,” focuses on a physical “dance” between partners.
Pay attention to your body. Is there tension? Where? Is your breathing shallow?
Being aware of your actual bodily sensations accomplishes two things. First, change your state of consciousness. You step out of the reactive loop. Second, start communicating on an undeniable level.
Awareness of bodily sensations is the basis for recognizing how we create (and resolve) conflicts.
Katherine Hendricks believes this is the most valuable skill you can learn. This way you can communicate without blaming. You are not attacking your partner’s character. You are reporting your own inner state. “My heart is racing” is undeniable. “You drive me crazy” And does.
Finding Your Fit
The Hendrickses’ method requires 100 percent accountability. Each partner must own their experience. This does not apply to everyone. Some people are not ready for this kind of introspection. But with so many methods available, you’re likely to find one that suits your personality.
Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, recommends Hendrix’s method. He strongly believes in marriage. He believes that everyone needs help with their beliefs and behaviors. He’s divorced but insists on doing everything he can to make it work.
There is one exception. If the relationship is physically, mentally or emotionally abusive, counseling is not the answer. You need help. Safety resources, such as Family Crisis (1-800-537-6066), are available 24/7.
When it comes to non-violent relationships, Dr. Northrup also refers to the approach of Michele Weiner-Davis. Her book Straight to the Man You Love: A No-BS, No-Nagging Guide for Women offers practical advice. Weiner Davis, who only counsels women, suggests that everything a woman needs to know to changing her man can be learned from a good dog training guide. It’s a blunt analogy. But it shows the obvious fact that reinforcement works.
And then there’s Dr. Phil McGraw. His approach in Relationship Rescue: Seven Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner is more confrontational. Her goal is to break the chain of guilt by asking couples to decide about happiness, not right.
The seven steps are as follows:
1. Identify what the “problem” is in your relationship.
2. Get rid of “wrong” thoughts.
3.
Switch from negative thoughts to positive behaviors.
4. Internalize new personal relationship values.
5. Develop a “relationship formula” for success.
6. Contact your partner.
7. Learn to maintain relationships.
Sounds very organized. Maybe it’s stiff.
But when emotions run high, structure can be a lifeline.
Experts agree on one thing. There is no reason to submit to a bad relationship. The tools are there. The question is, will you take them? Or wait for others to change.
